Saturday, February 03, 2007

Is Jesus mad at me? My morning conversation.

It seems that Jesus and I have been having difficulty finding our relationship and lines of communication.

I know that Jesus is my "Big Brother" who loves me, protects me, forgives me and puts me back on the right path when I have stumbled or fallen. But I sometimes feel like He is angry and disappointed with me and my weaknesses.

When I pray and talk to Jesus I tell him that I am trying to hear, sense and know His will for me at each moment of each day. But I also know that I can be a pretty stubborn, hard headed (German, Irish—thanks a lot mom and dad) human at times and I don't always perceive the subtle messages being sent. So I tell Jesus that if He needs to slap me upside the head to get through to me, He can. Well, I think I got slapped this morning!

I feel a very close bond to the Blessed Virgin Mary, our mother, so I find that I am praying to and communicating with Her more often than I am to Jesus. So this morning I was again praying to Mother Mary. I was asking for help to bring me closer to her son, Jesus. After my prayer, I walked into the kitchen and got myself a bowl of cereal for breakfast. In the middle of eating said breakfast, out of the blue, I found myself in a deep conversation (mental prayer) with Jesus. Yeah, SLAP!

Our conversation occurred in a space where we were surrounded by blank whiteness everywhere. (This must be my imagination's idea of a heavenly conference room or confessional?) Jesus and I were standing face to face. He was telling me that He knows He asks a lot of me at times, but that He always gives all of the helping graces that are needed to get through the trials that we are given. Then He wrapped me in His arms and put my head upon His chest as he said, "my child, I know that you are trying, and at times you do let go completely and abandoned yourself to me. But then a little while later you are back to clinging to earthly things and looking for some sense of control. I know that it is a long path of growth and discovery that you are on, and it will take a long time to reach your final destination. Always know that I AM with you and love you, even when I let you struggle on your own for a while. Try not to fret so much, my child, and continue growing in your life of faith through prayer."

Then, *poof*, it was just me, in my kitchen, in front of my bowl of cereal again. I sat in silence, somewhat stunned, for a couple of minutes. Then I started going through the occurence in my head. I had only "seen" Jesus and I during our conversation in that white space. But upon reflecting, I know that I felt Mother Mary's presence off to the side somewhere. I could feel her encouragement and happiness with the conversation taking place. My only possible conclusion is that it was Mary's intercession that prompted this special time between Jesus and I this morning. Thanks, Mom!

What an amazing, loving, holy family we have in heaven!

Just imagine what our world could be like if we all would speak to each other so openly, honestly and from the heart.