Things have been somewhat of a struggle in my life for the last couple of months. My possessions have been breaking down, causing me problems and anxiety. And my Jason moved 1000 miles away to St. Louis, MO to start seminary, discerning if he is being called by God to become one of His faithful priests. Following Jason's lead, I am trying very hard to not contact him much in order to give him the space he needs to listen to what God is saying now (instead of my insignificant rambles about life). It's kind of like having one of my limbs ripped off though.
All of this (sinful self-pity and selfishness - confession anyone?) has caused me to be pretty quiet and not feel like blogging about my life. And I was feeling like no one is really reading this drivel of mine anyway so why put in the time and effort. Well, this morning the Holy Spirit seems to have descended upon me and put lots of words in my head. I had the overwhelming feeling that it would be therapeutic for me to just get them out in my little journal of life (which happens to be on the internet for the world to see, hmmmm, oh well, openness and honesty is the way).
As I see it, God created me as this big, walking, mushy heart for a reason. So now I have to lovingly accept the challenges that this heart is being put through, knowing that He will also give me the strength to fight through these painful, challenging times. I keep repeating to myself everyday that "I put my full faith in God and He shall provide!"
I don't want to come off sounding like some religious "NUT" but my new relationship with God is what is getting me through right now. I am still amazed at how having knowledge of and love for God has changed my life.
After Mass yesterday I was talking to Fr. Phillips and Ken Johnson, an aspiring deacon candidate for our parish. At one point Ken described himself as a 4 year old - meaning that he has been a member of the Catholic Church for 4 years now. That made me start thinking about how I am really just a newborn, not even 2 months old yet. I have SO much to learn and SO much growing to do. Some days I struggle to stay strong in my faith and I feel sad and lonely. I have recently realized that those are the days when I have gotten away from prayer. During the weekdays it is all to easy to let the daily tasks of life fill your time and not give yourself that oh-so-important one-on-one time with God.
This next year will be my time to "grow in grace and knowledge of our Lord." ~ 2 Peter 3:18